As we embark upon a new adventure in the life of our family this fall, it is with both excitement and trepidation that we send our firstborn off to college, five hours from home. Eeeek! Five hours. Certainly not the other side of the world, but far enough that we will not see him very often. We hope we have given him the tools he needs to feel secure, confident, and treat others with kindness. Life does not offer immediate feedback on so many things we do as parents. We find ourselves playing the long game and hoping amidst all of our struggles and errors as parents, we are making some reasonable choices.
Recently, I sat down with this newly minted college freshman and asked for his take on what had been helpful to him as we prepared to see him continue to grow, in a different space, with new people. I asked him to share what wisdom he had on the choices we made with him. We have three more children to guide on to the launch stage, so I listened intently!
Here are the four things that our eighteen year old thought were the most helpful thing we did (or tried to do) with him.
1. Encourage teens to try a variety of classes and activities during their high school experience.
Do they love working with engines? They may also love some art classes! But they won’t know unless they try. We talk a lot with our children about the concept of some things you love learning and doing may earn you a living and some things you love may be a joy-filled hobby. It’s ok to take some college classes to learn what brings you joy. Your children may enjoy the ability (both financially and as a healthy challenge) to take college-level courses. These are amazing classes and programs to take advantage of, but leave room for some unexpected choices as well. This can also apply to sports, in a culture of “specialization,” we chose to encourage our children to try new/different sports & activities each season. For example, our oldest played soccer each year from age five through his senior year, but he opted to do other sports during other seasons (nordic skiing and track & field in his case). While this isn’t for everyone, it served us well.
2. Put your children in charge of their own communications with teachers, coaches, and of course, employers.
DO NOT take the reins, let them learn to handle these emails, team apps, texts, etc. It has worked well for us to do some review and support of how to word things as they begin this process. You don’t need to throw them into the deep end, but rather help build this muscle for them, of clear communication.
3. Provide some clear guidance on expectations around the home.
What responsibilities does each family member have in taking care of the home. We set a goal of making sure our teens know how to do their own laundry, cook a few simple meals, and clean the bathroom. Your children DESERVE to help around the house, it’s only fair to them to have a purpose and contribute. Will they whine? Of course they will! However, stay the course, don’t take the whining personally and know they are learning what it means to be a human.
4. Give grace generously.
When things don’t go according to plan, give grace. When children and teens are learning how to handle life’s big things, give grace. We have found when our children are at their most frustrating, it pays to be curious with what might be going on in their lives. Did they just have a falling out with a friend? Did they not make the cut to play varsity? Did they get in trouble at school? Did they break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend? It is tough, but important to remember they are discovering that it means to grow up, experience loss, struggle, and succeed. Thinking of yourself as a coach in this process can be helpful. While you are at it, give yourself so me grace too!
New seasons are exciting, yet uncertain. As time marches on (as it is prone to do with or without our permission) we can find ourselves wanting to freeze certain life stages, but then we would miss out on the fullness and richness that life has to offer. We launch this firstborn son with the knowledge that he is still a work in progress, but he is ready for this next chapter in his journey. (Now, please send chocolate and tissues to this momma who will be coping with change!)