Several years ago, I had the immense plea
sure of working as an infant teacher. One day I was sitting on the floor, back propped against the wall, when the door to the room opened. In walked the mother of one of “my” infants, carrying nine-months-old Cal in her arms. Cal scanned the room, landed on my face, and squirmed to get down so he could crawl to me. His mom smiled and laughed, said goodbye, and I picked up Cal to give him a big hug before he started to explore the new toys we’d put out in the room that morning.
“Life is best organized as a series of daring ventures from a secure base” – John Bowlby
That same pattern of events had happened before, and would happen many more times before Cal outgrew the infant room. But I realized that day that I was watching Cal leave one secure base, his mom, to come see me, another secure base, before exploring his world. I was watching what happens when a child feels safe, and more importantly, loved, by the people around him.
Attachment research was pioneered by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. They believed, and research over several decades in many cultures has supported, that the existence of strong, enduring emotional connections lead to feelings of well-being and openness, not only in the sharing of emotions, but in the exploration of our identities, and of the world. When we create secure attachments with children, we teach them that they will always have someone to come back to when they’re in trouble, whether that’s because they scraped their knee on the sidewalk, their friend was mean to them at recess, or they’re experiencing their first broken heart as a teen. In other words, they develop an internal working model in which someone will always be there to support them, emotionally or physically, if exploring the world doesn’t go as planned.
While others, like child care providers, can certainly be a source of secure attachment for children, parents and caregivers are usually the primary representation of this bond that children have. How can parents foster a secure attachment with their children?
Sensitivity. Being sensitive, or aware of and responsive to, children’s needs, helps create a secure attachment. This might be responding to a physical need like hunger, or an emotional need, like seeking comfort during distress. Children not only learn that their needs will be met, but also get to practice regulating their feelings with their parents or caregivers, which helps them do it better on their own as they age.
Consistency. While difficult days and moments are sure to happen, when we are able to generally respond consistently to children’s needs, they learn that the people close to them are usually good and safe. This is linked to having better friendships and romantic relationships in adolescence and even adulthood.
Perspective taking. When we try to understand what children are feeling and thinking and why, we not only get better at responding sensitively, but we help validate that their feelings and thoughts are okay to have and to share. This helps them become more emotionally intelligent, which not only helps them in other relationships, but also helps support their mental health.
Being calm when things are difficult. This can be difficult to do! But when we can model that new and scary and even painful situations will be okay in time, we teach children that even the hard moments will be, or become, safe again.
Being accepting. Sometimes, children will mess up. They’ll break something, they’ll lose their temper, they might be mean to a friend. We can certainly talk to them about why that behavior is wrong and how we can react differently in the future, but we can also remind them that we love them even when they make mistakes. This approach lets children know that they can behave differently, but they are still inherently good and loved, and that leads to better self-esteem and emotional health later in life.
Some days will be more difficult than others. Stress might be high and patience might be low. But when caregivers and parents can do their best to respond kindly and consistently, children thrive. Children with secure attachments have better mental and physical health, they make more friends and have higher quality friendships, they’re more likely to have healthy romantic relationships later, and they are even more likely to do well in school. They’re more likely to develop confidence and a sense of who they are and what they like, which leads to better life satisfaction.
Overall, unconditional love for a child is one of the best things we can do to help them lead their healthiest and happiest lives possible.