I have never been a fan of rules that don’t make sense to me, and I don’t enjoy being told what to do. As a teenager, I pushed back on unnecessary rules and adults that made rules, yet failed to embody the rules they were preaching. I considered many rules as a vehicle to control the actions of others. I now know my parents and other authority figures were doing the best they could and ultimately wanted to raise a healthy, happy and responsible young man.
As a husband and father of four children, I find it is worthwhile to enunciate values rather than rules. Family values are the beliefs, principles, and traditions that shape the way a particular family functions and interacts with one another. They are a set of ideals that guide the behavior of family members and create a sense of unity, identity, and belonging within the family unit.
Through defining and dialoguing our values, my family forges connection and pursues success. Our family values guide us toward taking responsibility for the outcome of a specific situation and for our lives in general.
When our behavior falls short of the values we stand for, we pause. This is an opportunity to communicate as a way to understand and move forward in harmony. Anytime a concern arises between two family members, we create undistracted space to fully express ourselves.
It starts with Person A sharing their concern in full, without interruption. Person B listens and honors the experience. Person B asks a few questions to better understand. This respectful interaction does not necessarily point to agreement with Person A’s perspective or experience, but it gives dignity to the perspective of Person A. There is no judgment, argument, or dismissal. The goal is for Person A to feel heard and understood. At this stage, things often get derailed. Without practice, Person B might fail to be present with Person A’s experience. Instead, they may reject it. Listening without interrupting can help a family member feel safe to express feelings and emotions, nurturing mutual trust.
At this part of the conversation, Person B acknowledges the feelings of Person A. They also note the agreed upon points. Person B now shares their experience. The same rules apply. At this stage, Person B shares how they are feeling as a result of what has been observed or brought to them by Person A.
Both parties strive for shared perspective, trying to come to agreement on as many of the facets as possible. Flexibility of view is key. Moving from a fixed view to an uncertain or curious view is progress. There doesn’t have to be total agreement between family members, as we have different perspectives of the world.
If the situation is not resolved at this point, each party gets a chance to express what they feel they need from the other person, starting with Person A. If possible, these requests are negotiated based on shared values. Once Person A and Person B come to an agreement, both parties acknowledge the newfound clarity that exists between them. After this, it’s a good time to make future plans for fun, fostering an environment where everyone can learn and grow together.
In today’s high-stress world, it is essential to define and live family values. Below are the essential family values my family has defined together.
Family
1. Our values begin with family as a value. The well-being and happiness of the family unit is the highest priority; all other values stem from family. It recognizes the importance of strong and healthy relationships, emphasizing quality time and consistent support. This value also encourages family members to prioritize their relationships with each other over external factors, such as work or material possessions. As we build meaningful connections with those we love and cherish, purpose and fulfillment grow both individually and collectively.
Love
2. Love is the most crucial family value. It is the glue that holds the family unit together. Family members should love each other unconditionally, regardless of any differences or conflicts. Love creates a sense of security, belonging, and support. It is essential for healthy family relationships.
Respect
3. Respect is a critical family value. It is the foundation of healthy relationships and helps create a positive atmosphere in the home. Family members treat each other with care and reverence, regardless of age, gender, or status. Respect includes politeness, consideration, and understanding.
Honor
4. Honor celebrates the dignity of each family member, regardless of their age, gender, race, religion, status and personal preferences. It is a fundamental value that recognizes the inherent worth and value of every human being. By honoring each person, we acknowledge their unique contributions to society, and we treat them with kindness, compassion, and empathy. This value promotes inclusivity, acceptance, and understanding. It helps create a harmonious and respectful community. Honoring each person also fosters a sense of belonging and unity, reinforcing the importance of treating others as we would like to be treated.
Trust
5. Trust is another essential family value. Family members should always be truthful and transparent with one other. Honest communication helps build trust and promotes healthy relationships. Honesty also helps family members to better understand each other’s needs and emotions. Trust creates a sense of safety in an individual’s nervous system, so that they do not feel the need to protect themselves by keeping important matters to themselves.
Contribution
6. Contribution instills a sense of accountability in family members. Each family member should take responsibility for their actions and their role within the family unit. When everyone contributes, tasks and chores get done, and the family functions efficiently.
Forgiveness
7. Forgiveness is a crucial family value that helps resolve conflicts and maintain healthy relationships. Family members should be willing to forgive each other when mistakes are made and conflicts arise. Forgiveness promotes empathy, understanding, and compassion toward each other. We all make mistakes, and moving forward is the goal.
Gratitude
8. Gratitude promotes happiness and positivity. Family members should express appreciation and thankfulness toward each other regularly. This creates a sense of mutual respect and understanding and reinforces positive behavior.
Family values are integral to a happy and healthy family life. They promote positive behavior, build strong relationships, and create a sense of unity and belonging. By instilling these values, families can create a positive environment for their members to thrive and grow.
Our family values have adjusted over time, based on the growth and needs of our family. I advise you to plan an undistracted dinner and jump start the dialogue on the values that you believe to be most crucial for lasting love, connection, safety and growth of each member of the family.